I don't get: Black Metal

I'll try to make this intro short (for once). This is a new feature where I explore some things my friends like. Things that I really don't understand the appeal of and in some cases things that I downright dislike slightly (until eventually, somehow, I get on with my life). The only stipulation is that I have to have given 'whatever it is I don't get' a fair chance. And we start with...

BLACK METAL

Fenriz was aghast to discover a girl enjoyed his music.

I've tried, I really have. Even when a girl (yes an actual female metal fan, for reals) tried to get me into it I just couldn't convince myself that I liked it. And she wasn't even one of the oft beastly female metal fans that got into Korn and Marilyn Manson during their 'difficult teenage years'.


And in many ways I'm a perfect candidate to 'get' it;

• Grew up surrounded by forests
• Constant bleak weather up in here
• There's eff all to do here
• I like pandas
• Organised religion has (had) a stranglehold on the populace/political state
• I like a certain amount of shitty DIY recordings and men screaming
• There are times when I look at my fellow man and truly despair. But then I usually listen to pop punk.

Then there's the whole homophobia/murder/fascism/racism side of things. Sure I shouldn't tar every BM artist with the same black and white coated brush, but that Burzum chap (Varg Vikernes to the rest of the world/his fellow inmates) is held in pretty high esteem by those with the kvlt knowledge. Ah yes, and then there's the fans. Usually militant in their views and completely devoid of a sense of humour, these lumbering, socially awkward menchildren are quick to label anything that isn't harsh noise 'gay', while gobbling up music/imagery by men with long, flowing hair, who wear more make-up than your mom and are prone to semi-naked promo shots.

Let's see dad call me gay now!

So, is black metal just bad or is there something I'm not getting? I asked a friend, black metal fan, contemporary, and most importantly, a drinking partner to recommend me some black metal with the knowledge that I'd tried the entry level stuff already. He proceeded to write a blogpost (that can be found here) and I think the end product was that I should listen to this:

• I'm all for long-winded, pretentious song titles but how many times can they work 'funeral winds' into their stuff?
• It's a promising enough start but my goth the drums sound atrocious and by the time the blastbeats get going with the guitar it sounds like a stuttering engine has been accidentally added to the final mix. Though is mixing = not Black Metal?
• I see they're from Holland..nothing brings out the hatred for mankind like windmills and clogs. 
• Blastbeats: the extended car chase w/explosions of the music world.
• 'So, I was thinking you guys. I'll scream 3 or 4 words, vaguely in time, every so often...of course that's enough. Well, if it comes to it we can put a shedload of reverb and echo effects on'
• It's not actually awful in terms of drumming but I mean, I can hear those 3 beats plenty of places.
• Hey the 'winds of' party actually sounds like a chorus! And I recognise it cos it's in the title! And their band name...
• The bridge is kinda cool but did they run out of lyrics? Just scream in agony!
• This kinda thing has the potential to be fun, y'know. You can't spell funeral without 'fun'.

So..some progress I guess. This song isn't exactly terrible. But at the same time, it's not good enough for me to want to listen again and especially not good enough to make me put myself in a position where I have to interact with BM fans.