Ridiculous Metal of the Month: Bloodbound - In The Name of Metal

I don't actually listen to metal these days. Not 'proper' metal anyway, just stuff with breakdowns played by lads with emo fringes. The only REAL METAL I enjoy in any way is the completely ludicrous, over the top, so into it that it's a parody of itself, MEEETAAAAAAAAAL.

There was a time when I'd try to get into the supposedly more credible genres such as metal and pop punk would be a guilty pleasure from my younger years. These days I am unashamedly representing my pop punk roots but I occasionally relapse into a metal fix. Thankfully these moments are few and far between and when they do happen I am clearheaded enough to see them for the ridiculous, homoerotic lolfactories that they are. So, here is the first installment of Ridiculous Metal of the Month: Bloodbound - In The Name of Metal

So we see the little kid wake up only to be confronted with the genre that every metalhead most despises; Country and Western!! (They also don't like rap too much but will allow it in some situations). Ughhh, country, it's so cheesy and wack. Old music played by dumb hicks with long hair. Not like REAL MUSIC. Not like METAL.

Some things to note:

• Nothing is more metal than screaming metal in a falsetto voice while wearing leather. NOTHING.
• The kid is a great actor and I love that he's nodding his head from the first line and then headbanging out of time and using his air guitar within the opening few seconds, such is the feeling that metal gives him.
• "You say I'm evil, you say I suck. My hair's too long, I don't give a fuck!" And it goes on like this. Is this srs?!
• METAL in flames. Hell yeah!
• The kid knows his stuff. Proper metal bands like Kiss and eh, the Misfits...
• What is the guy in the guitar shop actually doing while he checks the guitar? And why isn't he worried that this child is there alone, buying a guitar that is too big for him, with not even a carrybag or case thrown in? Poor show, sir.
• And so it finally ends, and the kid is on the streets with just a pointy guitar for company.

That Sh!t's Adorable: Porcupine is crazy about corn

• Look at his little hat!!
• Do you hear his happy little squeaks?!
• Watch him knock stuff over like a boss!

Drunken metalcore singer makes video with cat, appears to have sense of humour

Despite the abundance of evidence to the contrary, it seems that some metalheads do actually have a sense of humour! The story goes like this; one fateful night, the singer of Give Zombies The Vote got smashed (alone it seems) and decided to make a video to his own music, whilst dancing with his cat. His friends band-mates then found said video and posted it on that mecca for the socially incompetent, Reddit.  (Then much, much later, I showed up to this party/found the video.) Oh and the cat is called BILL MURRAY.

While some cynical creatures that dwell in metal sub-forums seem to think this was all done as a viral marketing move, I DGAF! It is one of the simple joys in life to watch a hairy dude lip sync his way through a heavy song, as he holds a bewildered cat, and makes the facial expressions that every metal/scene/hardcore fan makes in the privacy of their own house or vehicle.

And if it IS a calculated marketing move then I say congratulations sir.

More gifs here!

There is something inherently funny about Mute videos

Mute are a really good skate-punk band, from Quebec in Canada, that combine speed, melody and some tricky guitar-work (that borders on metal at times) so you can see why I would like them. If you like A Wilhelm Scream or Strung Out I advise you to skip my rambling and check out some of their stuff further down the page!

For some reason I had never actually watched any of their videos... This is particularly rare as Youtube is usually the first port of call upon hearing of a new band. A good video can make or break a band as it lengthens the attention span while drilling the song into your subconscious. In this case however I took a recommendation of their awesomeness and just went with it without doing any more research. I wasn't disappointed. It was only later that I checked to see if they had any videos...

Bates Motel

This is actually one of their newest offerings, from their 2011 album Thunderblast. I was expecting some young dudes, possibly with some slightly emo hair (as is oddly common in Canadian skate-punk bands). Instead my eyes were hit with two receding hairlines and a beardo! Then...

• 00:06 - The drummer sings has emo hair and sings! Though not sure if he's passionate or in desperate need of a toilet break?
• 00:13 - Srsly, has the drummer opened his eyes yet?! And his face during the snare hits, SO INVESTED IN THE FEELINGS OF THE SONG
• 00:19 - We've seen some WIDE EYES, more passionate singing with closed eyes and then the drummer finally opens his eyes, yay he can see!
• 00:28 - Oh, now the bassist is making a habit of O.O eyes
• 01:10 - *genuinely to into the song/mesmerised by technical elements to make bad jokes*
• 01:13 - Okay, I love the palm muting and the singing but WHAT is the bassist doing? Swaying all over the gaf.
• 01:35 - Mmm the chorus is so good, has it all going on.
• 02:00 - These guys go pretty hard for old guys. Really hope they're not actually 24..
• 02:15 - Love the breakneck speed and technical parts and then it runs into a "jump" part <3
• 02:50 - Oh shiiii here comes the solo!

Other notes

• I love the drummers flippy hair flips
• Who is the dude in the Led Zepplin merch. He even gets the mic during the gang chant. C'mon man, just, no.
• Dat metal ending

Well, I couldn't just leave it there now could I? Next video!

To Be With You

• Aw sweet, a 'tells a story' video, this should be good!
• Oooof it's a cover, not sure if I can stomach this..a shame because I love skateboard/performance videos. Moving on I think!

 Nevermore

• Hmm it's from the latest album but they seem to be experimenting with some filmmaker techniques and filters, SO PROFESSIONAL!
• 00:50 - Still not really sure what's going on here...
• I always find it kind of off putting when the music and vocals are fast but the video is slow moving by comparison
• Is the old guy genuinely confused or acting or what? I like to think he is the dad of a band member contemplating on how he wanted his son to be an accountant.
• So it seems it was all recorded on phones as part of a contest. Is that why it has no fucking connection to the actual song or am I missing something?
• Aw man, the breakdown part deserves a better visual representation than an old man dressing himself.
• 02.50 - An actual guitar! Being played by someone sitting on a comfortable sofa? Ok...
• 03:40 - Oh wait there's the band!
• Next video!

 Fading Out

• Waah the singer has different hair and he's still pulling faces!
• Now I know I should just do the research but I'm guessing this is an older video? There's lots more hair for one thing..
• I think this is probably a better single. It's still got technical parts but they're just the extra ribbons and glitter.

So yeah, sometimes videos are a great way of showing you band in a good light and helping your career. Other times they mean some guy make a post about them on his blog. Although I guess there's no such thing as bad press! Check out Mute and tell them we want to know what's up with their videos.