Dodgy Film Club: Birdemic - Shock and Terror

Blondie is actually laughing. There's nothing funny about your acting career going down the tubes, love.

Once you experience* the rollercoaster* journey* of human emotion that is The Room it’s very hard to find a film that is not only as dodgy and lolworthy but also takes itself seriously. After much searching and several slightly dodgy films, Bridemic: Shock and Terror was chosen. I'm still recovering.

 (*I’m thinking of becoming a scriptwriter for ‘reality tv talent shows, just getting the lingo down.)

This is a masterpiece in bad cinema. It seems the brains behind it (James Nguyen) is super concerned about global warming and decided the medium of film was the best way to get the message across. The, eh, plot is that after what feels like a lifetime of awkward converstaion between the characters, they are attacked by some eagles who are pissed off about oil prices. Or something. There are literally too many mistakes and terrible things to mention but they include:

• Awful acting without any emotion/dialogue read in monotone
• Terrible cuts that have clearly been recorded at different times, resulting in changes in sound quality/background noise 
• A news report that resembles a school project.
• Actually, all the ‘science’ and explanations are lol
• Shakey camera-work that ruins any small chance of getting ‘lost’ in the ‘story’ 
• Filer! Filler! Filler! WE GET IT, THEY’RE IN A RESTARAUNT.
• ‘A date without sex is a date wated’ *thrusting motion*
• Awkward gaps and pauses during the ‘phone calls’ that don’t sync up properly
• REALLY awkward pauses at the end of scenes that haven’t been edited out
• Extennnnded clapping. Srsly, go make a sandwich once they start clapping, it goes on for ages
• An Irish bar with that Irish form of Irish musical entertainment: a black soul singer, performing (miming) to a full band track by himself

This, can I just add, is all before the atrocity that are the birds appear in the film, looking like something out of DuckHunt and sounding like a mouse orgy as interpreted by angry dolphins. An as for the ‘attacks’, they really have to be seen to be believed. The characters flail at random (using their motel hangars at weapons...) and the digitally added 2D birds flap ineffectually somewhere around the general vicinity. And all of this because the birds are angry at global warming (or something).


The smell of hippy/film student off the film can be whiffed a mile away, from the clunky suggestions that hybrid cars are great dropped into the script with as much subtley as a petrol bomb, to the embarassing background soundtrack that is clearly a reworking of Imagine by John Lennon ‘written’ by some stoner who had his mind blown when he picked up his shitty acoustic and the ‘music, like, just came to him’ one evening. There’s also a treehugger who looooves trees and eventually leaves the scene when he hears a mountain lion. LOLWAT. Oh yeah, then there’s a forest fire for some reason.

Oh, and the guns do this.

After the birds arrive there are plenty of moments to make you ask HOW DID THIS GET MADE???? including:

• CGI fireballs that look like the ones from South Park
• The kamikaze fighter pilot sound some of the birds make
• The same footage of one bird being shot being used over and over and over again 
• Unlimited bullets!
• Where were they even driving to?
• A doctor scientist ornithologist giving a lecture
• The two kids pretty much being adopted, no questions asked

I guess James Nguyen has succeeded in creating awareness, through a massive lolfail. The film is meant to be a stark warning and the catlyst to the viewer asking themselves some stern questions about their carbon footprint.
The only questions I was left with was how this got made and how did he manage to get so many hotties involved!?

Srsly, there's so much lolgore and so bad it's funny stuff going on I can't even cover it. Watch it!

Dodgy Film Club: The Room

Oh, hi terrible dialogue!

Where do I even start with this? From the very first line the three of us watching this were laughing so much we had to start the film over again because we were missing lines. This has a terrible script that repeats itself in scenes and dialogue, shocking acting, multiple extended sex scenes (the same footage is used for two 'seperate' scenes), dodgy outdoor backdrops, characters appearing with no back story or introduction, characters popping in and out of scenes offering a few words that do not forward the story in any way...

When I heard the same guy funded, wrote, starred in, produced and directed this film (and allegedly funded it by selling leather jackets on the street) I knew I had to watch this, but I wasn't ready for just how dodgy this was. It was exhaustingly funny. We've made a drinking game out of some of the quirks/repeated lines that I'll post up soon.

You can expect:

• ACTION
• ROMANCE
• THE FIGHT AGAINST DRUGS
• BETRAYAL
• OH HI MARK
• ANGER
• SEX
• PARTIES
• AMERICAN FOOTBALL 

This film has it all.

Dodgy Film Club

Myself and a friend have unwittingly started a tradition watching films that are amazing and/or dodgy in equal measure. I've always loved over the top horrors where the gore is redonkulous and makes you lol as much as it makes you feel sick. So I'm seeking out dodgy films and keeping a record of them here. Sure why not.

Piranha 3D

Not the most amazing to start with, but Piranha 3D was my first horror film in 3D and still has a good bit of lolgore, one of the best bits (which is shown in the trailer so not a spoiler, even though the plot is, well..) is when a girl gets devoured from the ass up. It's basically a modern Jaws at spring break There's some decently big names in this too, so keep an eye out.

Hobo With a Shotgun

The plot of this is pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. There's some brilliantly funny gore bits and genuine lols throughout by way of stereotypes and one-liners. Watched this with a few people and not all of them enjoyed the gore (especially the ending!) but this is pretty fantastic in a brain dead way. The version we had wasn't really low volume-wise so we definetely missed some good lines and I want to watch this again in the near future.

Rubber

This is a bit of an odd one in that it's a dodgy, low budget horror that celebrates things happening for no reason, yet there's some deeper thinking at times. There is an audience in the film watching this mischevious, psycho tyre on it's journey, and they react in much the same way the actual audience in the cinema does; wanting the opening sequences too hurry up a bit and get the real action started etc. It has long spells where nothing much is happening though and I don't think that it's a result of the film maker being clever. But who knows. Definetely worth a watch.

Planet Terror

I genuinely love this and have no shame in saying I own it on DVD. The perfect mix of over the top action, dark comedy, gore that makes you recoil then laugh and just a film maker having fun with an idea. As with most of these films you leave your brain at the door, lest it be eaten, but this actually has a big budget behind it so there are cooler guns, better looking beures and some big name actors as well. The main character has a machine gun/rocket launcher combo for a leg. What more do you need to know, like?