Dodgy Film Club: #SHARKNADO @riotheatre

So the (social media) world has finally caught up with dodgy horror films. Does this make me a dodgy horror film hipster? I hope not, as I am not in the least bit put out that #SHARKNADO happened, I hope it means more ridiculous films are made!

A classic case of 'if you're not sold by the poster, there's no hope for you'

Even though I have had access to #SHARKNADO for almost a month, I held out and saw it in a theatrical release in my favourite indy cinema, The Rio Theatre, in Vancouver. Against my better judgement I didn't buy my ticket in advance but was lucky enough to snap up one of the few remaining tickets at the door, before a full sell out was announced and dozens were turned away.

Inside it is clear of the reach this low budget film has attained. To my right, two STANDARD METAL/FILM NERDS discuss the surge in attendence to such showings and sneer derisively at the trivia questions on the screen. ("Uh, Zombieland? Who couldn't know that's a scene from Shaun of the Dead?"). To my left, two middle aged women, looking more like they're fans of mash potatoes than Sharknados settle in for a Girls Nite Out!!! 

As for the film itself.. It's actually pretty standard fair for The Asylum, who have made such instant classics as Sharktopus and Two Headed Shark Attack. That is to say, there is some awkward 'character development', bad acting, lots of good looking girls and some vaguely interesting camera work to get through before we hit the real action and see some goooore!

This is a real still from the film, not a photoshop

When it does (eventually) move up a gear it is still a slow burning build up, with some brilliantly bad pun-heavy one liners and some pretty cool effects including a ferris wheel massacre. The sharks are of course terribly rendered but that doesn't stop everyone in the theatre raucously cheering each time one meets its demise via bar stools, pool sticks and gunshots from our surprisingly sharp shooting heroes.

 
Once it gets to the 'all or nothing, this ends NOW' last twenty minutes, sh!t gets REAL and the lolfactory explodes with amazing gore and ridiculous action sequences. I won't spoil the best part, or the ending, but the trailer does give away part of what goes down; 'We're going to throw bombs into the tornados!'

Afterwards the director did a skype interview live to the Rio and denied that drugs had been used in the dreaming up of the monstrosity. Sharknado 2: Sharkferno is a possibility, he says.

Dodgy Film Club: Drive Angry

The plot of Drive Angry is pretty simple; Nicolas Cage has escaped from Hell to hunt down and kill the leader of a Satanic cult, who has kidnapped his granddaughter. Like most films in Dodgy Film Club, if you are not instantly filled with a desire to watch this work of art immediately, then nothing I can say will change your mind, or add anything to your boring, pointless life.

If you thought a) that sounds awesome! Or b) well, I guess I might watch that, then congratulations! This is the site, and possibly movie, for you!

Drive Angry doesn’t really go in for that sissy, time consuming ‘outlining the plot’ or ‘explaining why things happen’ rubbish that other, less amazing films do, oh no! After opening with a car chase (naturally), there is a violent amputation before the 2.30 mark. If that doesn’t sent the tone for the next hour and 45 minutes, then the first explosion, that clocks in less than two minutes later does.

Nicolas Cage isn’t the most revered of acting talents, however this is the type of ‘fists do my talking tough mofo’ characters that Hollywood mass produces, so really it’s not too much of an issue. How much of a badass is he? Well…

• He gets shot (at least twice)
• He takes out half a dozen armed men while he is drinking whisky and having sex
• He is a proficient stunt driver and alarmingly handy with a variety of firearms, often combining these two skillsets
• He escaped from Hell, people!

Such a badass!

I’m not sure if there is a real message behind all of the madness, besides a fear of cults/sense of justice. It does drag a little towards the end (1 hour 30 would have been sufficient) but there is plenty of lol etc to keep the watcher occupied including

• A naked woman being punched in the face
• Some fairly gruesome deaths
• Gratuitous boob shots
• An ‘American Pshycho’esque character, ‘The accountant’ who is setting the affairs of Hell back in order
• The classic good looking female sidekick who has one of those bendable personalities that makes her feisty, submissive, vulnerable, athletic..basically anything you need her to be! Such a varied character to portray, and yet, overlooked at the Oscars.
• A controlling cult leader who has convinced dozens he is a messiah, yet he travels in a crappy camper van

So feisty!

The Moral Majority Movie Guide is my film bible

The Moral Majority, for the unenlightened, are a Christian, right wing, conservative group who are very concerned about family values and morals.

In their bid to rid the world of EVIL these do-gooders have created a site (www.movieguide.org) dedicated to promoting nice little films that are clean and happy and safe for kids! They also detail the sordid elements of movies and rating them, from a ‘concerned parent’ type of view.

Now, anyone who has read this blog knows my taste in films, and might be wondering what could possibly interest me here. Do I really want to see films such as The Nativity Story or The Ten Commandments? Hell no!

But not only does Movieguide rate good-intentioned, family-friendly films, it also give minus stars for the most SHOCKING, BLASHPEMOUS and IMMORAL movies! It just so happens that some of us like these despicable creations.

Machete

First off, I can't believe I haven't written about this for Dodgy Film Club, something I will rectify asap. The moral majority have listed the following adjectives in relation to the film all about the mustachioed Mexican: 

“Evil, rotten, disgusting, humanist, nihilistic, Communist”

Not only that, but it also contains “68 obscenities and 17 profanities.” This, I remind you, is all before a summary of the film itself is actually touched upon. These are merely red flags of disgust, to spark the beginnings of a righteous, moral fire. Red Flags of Awesomeness more like!

I’ve just realised that I’m assuming everyone knows what Machete is about, or at least can have a stab at the gist of it from the poster. Apologies, let me have the good people at MovieGuide.org explain: 

“MACHETE is an ultra violent, extremely lewd and bloody exploitation movie about a Mexican immigrant who, working with left-wing revolutionaries, violently stops a conspiracy involving a corrupt white businessman secretly in cahoots with a Mexican drug lord who’s manipulating white vigilantes killing illegal immigrants. MACHETE is one of the worst movies ever – an ultra violent, bloody mess with extremely lewd content and a hateful, offensive, racist, Anti-American worldview.”

 I don't know what they could possibly find offensive about this.

Sounds amazing, right?! I think so. But perhaps it’s not for you. I mean, exploitation films are kind of a niche.

How about a film that is a true celebration of being alive? A film in which a man, who suffered terrible punishment and died, came back to life! That sounds like something Christians could get on board with!

Crank High Voltage

 

“CRANK HIGH VOLTAGE is a repulsive action movie about a former hitman who must find the Asian gang leader who replaced his heart with a mechanical one that needs constant electrical stimulation to keep working.”

Okay, they don’t like it, but it can’t be the worst action film they’ve ever seen?

“CRANK HIGH VOLTAGE may be the worst, most abhorrent and evil action movie ever made.”

 Ah. Moving on then…

Tell me there's nothing angelic about this scene!

Piranha 3DD

Next up is GDAC Dodgy Film Club favourite, Piranha 3DD! A tale about man struggling to find his place in the ecosystem. Initial signs are good with this review, as the MovieGuide tag line says ‘This movie really bites’. That’s right folks, that’s a pun! A real, live pun!

I’m not sure they’re thinking this reviewing craic through, because if the lines: “more than 120 obscenities and profanities; extreme bloody, gruesome violence includes piranha comes out of woman’s body and attaches to man’s private parts" makes me want to (re)watch this as a 26 year old, think of what impact it would have on teenage boys.

There’s also a very odd segue, when the reviewer talks about 'anti-smoking Nazis’. Are we SURE this isn’t a parody site? Does the reviewer really detest films with swear words and nudity because they harm children, yet he is pro-smoking? Lololol.
 
(I don't want to spoil any of this by adding gifs. Plus, I can't find any vaguely religious themed gif.)

I’m sure the list contains any number of entertaining/evil films I have yet to see. MovieGuide.org has gained a new fan, albeit for all the wrong reasons.

Are you excited for the new BIRDEMIC film?

We asked for it, apparently.

Birdemic was in many ways a masterpiece. With creative visionary James Nguyen (you know, the James Nguyen), a strong message and a cast of hungry, young actors, it is a film that comes close to the brilliance of The Room. So, I should be excited about a sequel, right? Let us consider some pros and/or cons...

Return of Rod/Bagh is Back

That's right, Rod, the all action, all romancing hero from the first film is back! And now he's a big shot something or other. Thankfully Rod was not replaced and all the character development he went through in the first film was not put to waste. Some might say Alan Bagh is one of the finer actors of our generation. His portrayal of Rod, an odd juxtaposition of a confident yet horrifyingly awkward manchild is some of the finest work seen on screen. However, a look at his Twitter account shows that Rod and Alan may not be all that different. Plus we've had some fun lightly trolling him in this very blog.

Sticking to their guns (or coat hangers) with the CGI

Birdemic 2 seems to follow quite rigidly to the theme/plot and budget of its predecessor. So on the plus side, the awful graphics are back. But on the negative side, the awful bird graphics are back. Maybe I'm judging too quickly without seeing the finished product but I would have liked to see some ridiculous 3D, or even worse graphics. A lot of the lol in the first film is partly due to the shock at just how bad the birds look. Some amazing (or amazingly bad) graphics would have been a real kick in the beak to detractors of the film.

Where are they really going with this?

It's pretty clear that ol' James Nguyen is kinda bummed out about The Man polluting the world through machines run on eagle tears, dead baby seals and so on, but is this sequel going to address these srs issues? Is it going to pick up from the cliffhanger ending of the first? Did they really need to make a second? Will there be a thirdemic?

I don't have the answers..All I know is that I'll be seeing this at the nearest opportunity, with a case of beer and a bucket of clothes hangers.

Dodgy Film Club: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

If you don’t want to watch this film because of the title alone then it’s probably not for you. A kung fu loving Jesus (yes, that Jesus) tries to rid the world of some lesbian vampires, and fights some atheists along the way, with the help of a girl in an atrocious red outfit, and a wrestler..for some reason. (Or something.) Oh and it’s a musical of sorts also.

Some highlights include:

• A thumping euro-techno song in the background while Jesus kicks the asses of about a million atheists who look like they met at a punk/metal club the night before.
• Some great lol action in the fights such as when Jesus uses his superpowers and a leg drop!
• Some of the most hideous women that have ever been filmed, including a GIANT beast in one of the dance numbers. Shudder.
• An 80s style montage when Jesus tries on different outfits and his ladyfriend judges them.
• A talking dessert that is (possibly) God..? I think? 
• An assistant who keeps getting her (his?) ass grabbed

It’s definitely worth a watch if only for the wtf factor. There are so many unanswered questions and plot holes. Jesus was advised to get a haircut and new clothes to blend in..advised by a woman who spends the rest of the film running around in dat red outfit.

The first few fight scenes are pretty amazing but it kinda fades after that. Imagine a load of ‘alternative’ people who were drunk/high and joking about making a film about a kung fu Jesus..And now imagine that it actually got made. That’s pretty much what this is like.

Dodgy Film Club: Birdemic - Shock and Terror

Blondie is actually laughing. There's nothing funny about your acting career going down the tubes, love.

Once you experience* the rollercoaster* journey* of human emotion that is The Room it’s very hard to find a film that is not only as dodgy and lolworthy but also takes itself seriously. After much searching and several slightly dodgy films, Bridemic: Shock and Terror was chosen. I'm still recovering.

 (*I’m thinking of becoming a scriptwriter for ‘reality tv talent shows, just getting the lingo down.)

This is a masterpiece in bad cinema. It seems the brains behind it (James Nguyen) is super concerned about global warming and decided the medium of film was the best way to get the message across. The, eh, plot is that after what feels like a lifetime of awkward converstaion between the characters, they are attacked by some eagles who are pissed off about oil prices. Or something. There are literally too many mistakes and terrible things to mention but they include:

• Awful acting without any emotion/dialogue read in monotone
• Terrible cuts that have clearly been recorded at different times, resulting in changes in sound quality/background noise 
• A news report that resembles a school project.
• Actually, all the ‘science’ and explanations are lol
• Shakey camera-work that ruins any small chance of getting ‘lost’ in the ‘story’ 
• Filer! Filler! Filler! WE GET IT, THEY’RE IN A RESTARAUNT.
• ‘A date without sex is a date wated’ *thrusting motion*
• Awkward gaps and pauses during the ‘phone calls’ that don’t sync up properly
• REALLY awkward pauses at the end of scenes that haven’t been edited out
• Extennnnded clapping. Srsly, go make a sandwich once they start clapping, it goes on for ages
• An Irish bar with that Irish form of Irish musical entertainment: a black soul singer, performing (miming) to a full band track by himself

This, can I just add, is all before the atrocity that are the birds appear in the film, looking like something out of DuckHunt and sounding like a mouse orgy as interpreted by angry dolphins. An as for the ‘attacks’, they really have to be seen to be believed. The characters flail at random (using their motel hangars at weapons...) and the digitally added 2D birds flap ineffectually somewhere around the general vicinity. And all of this because the birds are angry at global warming (or something).


The smell of hippy/film student off the film can be whiffed a mile away, from the clunky suggestions that hybrid cars are great dropped into the script with as much subtley as a petrol bomb, to the embarassing background soundtrack that is clearly a reworking of Imagine by John Lennon ‘written’ by some stoner who had his mind blown when he picked up his shitty acoustic and the ‘music, like, just came to him’ one evening. There’s also a treehugger who looooves trees and eventually leaves the scene when he hears a mountain lion. LOLWAT. Oh yeah, then there’s a forest fire for some reason.

Oh, and the guns do this.

After the birds arrive there are plenty of moments to make you ask HOW DID THIS GET MADE???? including:

• CGI fireballs that look like the ones from South Park
• The kamikaze fighter pilot sound some of the birds make
• The same footage of one bird being shot being used over and over and over again 
• Unlimited bullets!
• Where were they even driving to?
• A doctor scientist ornithologist giving a lecture
• The two kids pretty much being adopted, no questions asked

I guess James Nguyen has succeeded in creating awareness, through a massive lolfail. The film is meant to be a stark warning and the catlyst to the viewer asking themselves some stern questions about their carbon footprint.
The only questions I was left with was how this got made and how did he manage to get so many hotties involved!?

Srsly, there's so much lolgore and so bad it's funny stuff going on I can't even cover it. Watch it!

Dodgy Film Club: Slashers

Srsly, what's this guy going to do, poke me to death? It could leave a splinter I guess. Still though, that's a minor inconvenience at worst..

This film has an amazing setup but while it’s worth a watch for the funny elements, unfortunately didn’t quite bring the lolgore it could have. A Japanese gameshow pits contestants against 3 ‘slashers’ on  a set that looks like a badly run lasertag course, and whoever is left alive at the end of an hour wins the cash! It includes a studio audience, smiley host, cheerleaders and some lad providing LIVE creepy music.

The contestants are pretty much the usual Racially Inclusive Survival Team(tm), in this case we have:

• Well built, angry african american man
• Political fembitch
• ‘foreign’ muscle man (read: fat mexican looking dude with canadian/russian/mexican accent depending on the scene)
• Dimwited aspiring actress slash model
• The athletic all action girl (who is actually the fattest out of the 3 wimmin)
• The calculating ‘college/business guy’

 The weirdest thing about this is the camera work, or maybe the quality of the camera. It has a really strange videogame look as if the people are too close to the screen and the sets look like they were made by schoolkids. There are times when characters bang against ‘stone walls’ that sound alarmingly like cardboard. Other things to look out for include:

• Completely unnatural dialogue
• Characters saying the situation is ‘crazy’
• Interchangable accents
• The bluntest stabbing weapons of all time and a WOODEN sword
• ‘windows’ that clearly have no glass in them
• A chainsaw that is never actually running
• Lots of partial nudity (“TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF SO I CAN BANDAGE HER FACE!”)
• Blood squirting from somewhere other than the stab wound
• Awkward pauses while the show goes on an ad break that are actually pretty well done
• Convenient powercuts/camera panning when the special effects obviously weren’t available to show stabbing etc

All in all I could talk about how it provides an interesting social commentary yada yada but idk how srs it's meant to be.. I would say not to watch it in a house where you don't know your housemates that well as my friend did.. something about the japanese girls, the bad acting and one slasher being a pervert mean you might have to give explanations like 'not a porno' and 'still not a porno' everytime someone comes into the room.

Dodgy Film Club: Troll 2

This is probably the closest thing to The Room I’ve seen in a while in terms of lols per minute. We’ve been waiting long time to watch it and it was worth the wait! Terrible acting, low budget special effects and a plot that’s as mad as a bag of spiders. There’s also a ‘vegetarians are evil’ theme as the baddies are veggies for some reason.

Some fun facts:

• This film features no trolls, no trolls at all!
• It’s not even a sequel to Troll (1).
• AKA ‘Return of the Troll’
• The leading actors turned up to auditions to try out for roles as extras.
• It features a pretty messed up relationship between a deceased grandfather and his grandson, via appearing in his bedroom/mirror at night and being a bit of a creep in general.

 Highlights include:

• A ‘freeze frame’ scene where the actors can be seen moving/twitching/smiling/you name it!
•  The father very obviously paying no attention to the emotion he is meant to be conveying and just running through the script in his head, waiting for his line.
• Liberal amounts of green food dye, the cheapest of the food dyes.
• A sex scene featuring that most sensual of food; corn!
• People being turned into trees for no apparent reason.
• The genuine concern that getting punched in the crotch will make you a homosexual (srsly)
• Continuity mistakes all over the gaf!
• That classic solution to every American family problem: a séance!

The Room Drinking Game

The Room is a masterpiece. Drinking games are fun. How could this possibli go wrong? Attempt at your own risk y'all.

Edit: Having tried this, you might wanna cut out the 'awkward laugh' rule..all of his laughs are technically awkward, right?

I'm tired, I'm wasted... I love you, darling!

Dodgy Film Club: Bitch Slap

Despite the amazing title, this unfortunately falls very much into the dodgy category.. There's a plot in there somewhere (sort of) but if it wasn't for the occasional vague satire on the exploitation genre there isn't much to separate this from a fantasy of a 14 year old with an xbox online gold membership.

There's two busty bitches (no, no, it's cool to call them that, it's empowering, they're taking it back) and one slightly less busty bitch and they basically are looking for, eh, some diamonds or something. And beat the merry bejaysus out of each other at different points. At times the action scenes and backgrounds seem like they've been done for srs and others it looks like an 80s action tv show/90s heavy metal video. Really it's pretty bad and not funny bad, so here's an impromptu drinking game I've just made up.


Drink when:

• There's an innuendo. Not limited to dialogue, placenames count. Also they drop in 'insulting' put down names that make little sense, the best of which being 'Blow White' so you can drink at those too.
• They do the horrifyingly overplayed flashback scenes. That go in reverse chronological order. Go figure.
• Every death. Good luck with that in the 'nameless policeman' slaughter towards the end btw.

There are some terrible lines that are good for a lol, 'Never change who you are' or something like that..and a full body tourettes dude like in Crank 2 who makes some otherwise tiring scenes bearable..

Dodgy Film Club: House of the Dead

Ok to start with, this was the first film we watched after the lolfactory that was The Room, nothing was going to stack up against that. Even so, this falls on the side of bad, instead of so bad it's funny, though there were a few bits that made it fit into the amazing/dodgy category. The film is based on a computer game and to prove to the nerds who liked the game (I'm presuming) the film makers decided to splice game footage in at different points. Cool idea but the graphics are laughable and this happens way too much. The plot is simple enough, there's an island, there's a group of teenagers/twenty somethings played by twenty and thirty somethings, who are ethnically diverse, and there's a bananas amount of zombies who can run, use weapons and swim..purists should probably stay away from these all action zombies who are one script rewrite from getting a dance number.

There's not a huge amount of lolgore, we didn't care if the characters lived or not and the obvious fact that the 'matrix' effect was something the makers thought was super necessary for every character during the big fight scene, or simply that it was used as filler is only funny for so long. It does pick up some bonus points for the unexplained parts and the bloopers such as the crazy guy on the boat briefly having a hook for a hand at the start and continuity errors like a semi-clad girl running up the beach who has more clothes on a second later as she goes into the forest.


This was released in 2003 and the ending set it up for a sequel and good goth there was one released in 2009. On the list..

Dodgy Film Club: The Room

Oh, hi terrible dialogue!

Where do I even start with this? From the very first line the three of us watching this were laughing so much we had to start the film over again because we were missing lines. This has a terrible script that repeats itself in scenes and dialogue, shocking acting, multiple extended sex scenes (the same footage is used for two 'seperate' scenes), dodgy outdoor backdrops, characters appearing with no back story or introduction, characters popping in and out of scenes offering a few words that do not forward the story in any way...

When I heard the same guy funded, wrote, starred in, produced and directed this film (and allegedly funded it by selling leather jackets on the street) I knew I had to watch this, but I wasn't ready for just how dodgy this was. It was exhaustingly funny. We've made a drinking game out of some of the quirks/repeated lines that I'll post up soon.

You can expect:

• ACTION
• ROMANCE
• THE FIGHT AGAINST DRUGS
• BETRAYAL
• OH HI MARK
• ANGER
• SEX
• PARTIES
• AMERICAN FOOTBALL 

This film has it all.