Dodgy Film Club: Season of the Witch

A meeting of two actors who seem to have trouble turning down work! Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman are Crusade knights, who are tasked with escorting a ***SPOILER ALERT*** witch demon to a trial by monks. Oh and the witch demon is possibly responsible for the plague.



This was added to our watchlist as it featured on How Did This Get Made? and I may have a bone to pick with the good podcasting folks. Admittedly, they saw it upon its release, but this film doesn't even work as a bad horror movie. Don't get me wrong, it is bad. Highlights include

• Fluctuating accents 
• Historical and cultural inaccuracies
• Ron Perlman playing himself!
• Nic Cage in a glorious wig
• Phrases like 'let's get the hell out of here' and 'shit'..in Crusade times..
• Bad CGI
• Wolves werewolves vampire wolves? with an apparent death wish

Some good old fashioned Crusade-era banter. And hair.

So basically the Church sent these guys to kill all the non believers. Nic Cage is fine with this until he kills some woman and he is suddenly hit with righteous remorse. Nic and Ron leave the army, only to be eventually captured and held in a cell. They then agree to transport the 'girl' (witch/demon) to her trial by monks. There's a demon (satan?) involved, who looks like something out of Doom and sounds like a pantomime villain. In the end religion wins and the plague goes away. Yeah...

On the plus side, Claire Foy, who plays the oddly attractive Adorabelle Dearheart in Going Postal, is 'the girl' and by gods there is just something about her in this too.

Dodgy Film Club: The Last Stand

It's a simple enough premise: The leader of a drug cartel escapes from a courthouse and is racing towards the Mexican border and freedom. The only thing that stands in his way is Arnold Schwarzenegger and his merry band of law enforcement misfits.



The film itself is more complicated, however. I mean, the cast is actually kinda decent for an action flick. Arnie, Johnny Knoxville as the wildcard, Forest Whitaker as the government police guy, some feisty chick as a female cop and some handsome dude as the loveable badboy. What's more, there is actually some attempt to pace the film at the start, to establish a storyline and build the characters.

On the other hand... How long has Arnie lived in America now?  Dat accent! Even in the storyline he is meant to have spent part of his career in LA. Then there's extended fight scenes, a shooting and a car chase within the first 28 minutes, too. And the police team are laughably cliche. Arnie, despite barely being able to speak understandable English, is the insightful, all-knowing Sheriff, backed up by:

• a chief Wiggum type chief 
• the above mentioned feisty girl 
• an All American guy who seems like a noob

There are times when this feels like a disaster blockbuster from the 90s. The amount of back and forth scenes alternatively showing the action on the road, at a roadblock and at police/govt HQ is like something out of Armageddon or Independence Day. When is Arnie getting involved in the action for reals you guys??

After about 35 minutes however, I found I was invested! Two cops were stranded when Arnie shows up. Within 5 seconds he has run over one guy with his jeep, smashed the window with his elbow and shot two more guys with a shotgun, now we're getting somewhere!

The siege element of the movie is when things really kick up a gear. This is some classic A-Team-esque 'baton down of the hatches and use what you have' action. Johnny Knoxville and the bad ass are made deputies (wat?) and the team set up their own road block with some impressive weapons that are questionably legal.

There are inconsistencies all over the place. Despite being hopeless in an earlier shootout, the female cop is extremely proficient with a sniper rifle, but she can't use a walkie talkie without slamming it on the ground each time.

It's worth watching, probably more suited to a guys night in than Dodgy Film Club, though. There is one spectacular mid air kill from Arnie though and some classic moments if you have missed him in this kind of role.

Dodgy Film Club: Birdemic 2

  
Ah the sequel.. once upon a time it seemed a rare thing, only used when the character-writing of a film was so good, or the story was so complex that another edition was a must. Of course now, sequels = $$$. So, where does that leave Birdemic 2? Will the sequel make lots of money? It might make some, but I doubt studios were engaged in a bidding war. So maybe it will be a natural progression of the story, that answers the (many, many) questions from the first? I wouldn't hold my breath...
 
Most importantly to me and other fans, would the sequel retain the vision, spirit and energy of the first?
Well, having solved climate change in birdemic, James now turns his attention to Hollywood! (Because, you know, he has made a few films in his time and I think he know's what he's talking about okay?



From the opening scene it's clear that James has decided 'if it's broke but it kinda worked, don't fix it!' Yes, just like in the first movie, there is a painfully long credit sequence, this time documenting some guy walking for 5 minutes (in what looks like real time) through Hollywood. The 'extras' are just people who happen to be on the street and a dramatic wailing siren is actually a real cop car that has nothing to do with the story. Also check out the blurred out movie ads. Besides wondering where the scene/character was going, I was also struck by how many people worked on this monstrosity.

Mr Nguyen puts his personal, clumsy stamp all over this movie and the message is again, as subtle as a brick. We're informed that the best indie movies are those where the director is given complete control and how Hollywood movies are like, sooooo expensive.

There's too much to talk about, so - in bullet form - some of the recurring features from the first film:

• Dodgy news broadcasts
• Creepy dudes chasing blondes down the street
• Awkward human interaction
• Extended clapping/celebration scenes
• Awkward dinner date
• A walk on the beach, complete with terrible, windswept audio
• Terrible graphics
• Awkwardness, so much damn awkwardness
• The unsure doctor/professor -"Don't you know that uh birds are the descendants of uh dinosaurs?
• SUPER awkward dance scene w/black singer singing with no audio/amplification equipment
• Obtrusive mom

But James didn't make a sequel of basically the same movie without some new tricks up his sleeve! New things to look out for include:

• A driving scene that looks like an 80s music video
• Flashbacks to cavemen times
• An underwater scene like nothing you've ever seen before
• Some biting satire of horror movies
• Zombies...

Also: The line where the kid explains how his sister died.

The drinking game, should you need it: Drink on the word 'dead'. Takes a while to get going, but, you'll get there.

Dodgy Film Club: #SHARKNADO @riotheatre

So the (social media) world has finally caught up with dodgy horror films. Does this make me a dodgy horror film hipster? I hope not, as I am not in the least bit put out that #SHARKNADO happened, I hope it means more ridiculous films are made!

A classic case of 'if you're not sold by the poster, there's no hope for you'

Even though I have had access to #SHARKNADO for almost a month, I held out and saw it in a theatrical release in my favourite indy cinema, The Rio Theatre, in Vancouver. Against my better judgement I didn't buy my ticket in advance but was lucky enough to snap up one of the few remaining tickets at the door, before a full sell out was announced and dozens were turned away.

Inside it is clear of the reach this low budget film has attained. To my right, two STANDARD METAL/FILM NERDS discuss the surge in attendence to such showings and sneer derisively at the trivia questions on the screen. ("Uh, Zombieland? Who couldn't know that's a scene from Shaun of the Dead?"). To my left, two middle aged women, looking more like they're fans of mash potatoes than Sharknados settle in for a Girls Nite Out!!! 

As for the film itself.. It's actually pretty standard fair for The Asylum, who have made such instant classics as Sharktopus and Two Headed Shark Attack. That is to say, there is some awkward 'character development', bad acting, lots of good looking girls and some vaguely interesting camera work to get through before we hit the real action and see some goooore!

This is a real still from the film, not a photoshop

When it does (eventually) move up a gear it is still a slow burning build up, with some brilliantly bad pun-heavy one liners and some pretty cool effects including a ferris wheel massacre. The sharks are of course terribly rendered but that doesn't stop everyone in the theatre raucously cheering each time one meets its demise via bar stools, pool sticks and gunshots from our surprisingly sharp shooting heroes.

 
Once it gets to the 'all or nothing, this ends NOW' last twenty minutes, sh!t gets REAL and the lolfactory explodes with amazing gore and ridiculous action sequences. I won't spoil the best part, or the ending, but the trailer does give away part of what goes down; 'We're going to throw bombs into the tornados!'

Afterwards the director did a skype interview live to the Rio and denied that drugs had been used in the dreaming up of the monstrosity. Sharknado 2: Sharkferno is a possibility, he says.

Dodgy Film Club: Drive Angry

The plot of Drive Angry is pretty simple; Nicolas Cage has escaped from Hell to hunt down and kill the leader of a Satanic cult, who has kidnapped his granddaughter. Like most films in Dodgy Film Club, if you are not instantly filled with a desire to watch this work of art immediately, then nothing I can say will change your mind, or add anything to your boring, pointless life.

If you thought a) that sounds awesome! Or b) well, I guess I might watch that, then congratulations! This is the site, and possibly movie, for you!

Drive Angry doesn’t really go in for that sissy, time consuming ‘outlining the plot’ or ‘explaining why things happen’ rubbish that other, less amazing films do, oh no! After opening with a car chase (naturally), there is a violent amputation before the 2.30 mark. If that doesn’t sent the tone for the next hour and 45 minutes, then the first explosion, that clocks in less than two minutes later does.

Nicolas Cage isn’t the most revered of acting talents, however this is the type of ‘fists do my talking tough mofo’ characters that Hollywood mass produces, so really it’s not too much of an issue. How much of a badass is he? Well…

• He gets shot (at least twice)
• He takes out half a dozen armed men while he is drinking whisky and having sex
• He is a proficient stunt driver and alarmingly handy with a variety of firearms, often combining these two skillsets
• He escaped from Hell, people!

Such a badass!

I’m not sure if there is a real message behind all of the madness, besides a fear of cults/sense of justice. It does drag a little towards the end (1 hour 30 would have been sufficient) but there is plenty of lol etc to keep the watcher occupied including

• A naked woman being punched in the face
• Some fairly gruesome deaths
• Gratuitous boob shots
• An ‘American Pshycho’esque character, ‘The accountant’ who is setting the affairs of Hell back in order
• The classic good looking female sidekick who has one of those bendable personalities that makes her feisty, submissive, vulnerable, athletic..basically anything you need her to be! Such a varied character to portray, and yet, overlooked at the Oscars.
• A controlling cult leader who has convinced dozens he is a messiah, yet he travels in a crappy camper van

So feisty!

The Moral Majority Movie Guide is my film bible

The Moral Majority, for the unenlightened, are a Christian, right wing, conservative group who are very concerned about family values and morals.

In their bid to rid the world of EVIL these do-gooders have created a site (www.movieguide.org) dedicated to promoting nice little films that are clean and happy and safe for kids! They also detail the sordid elements of movies and rating them, from a ‘concerned parent’ type of view.

Now, anyone who has read this blog knows my taste in films, and might be wondering what could possibly interest me here. Do I really want to see films such as The Nativity Story or The Ten Commandments? Hell no!

But not only does Movieguide rate good-intentioned, family-friendly films, it also give minus stars for the most SHOCKING, BLASHPEMOUS and IMMORAL movies! It just so happens that some of us like these despicable creations.

Machete

First off, I can't believe I haven't written about this for Dodgy Film Club, something I will rectify asap. The moral majority have listed the following adjectives in relation to the film all about the mustachioed Mexican: 

“Evil, rotten, disgusting, humanist, nihilistic, Communist”

Not only that, but it also contains “68 obscenities and 17 profanities.” This, I remind you, is all before a summary of the film itself is actually touched upon. These are merely red flags of disgust, to spark the beginnings of a righteous, moral fire. Red Flags of Awesomeness more like!

I’ve just realised that I’m assuming everyone knows what Machete is about, or at least can have a stab at the gist of it from the poster. Apologies, let me have the good people at MovieGuide.org explain: 

“MACHETE is an ultra violent, extremely lewd and bloody exploitation movie about a Mexican immigrant who, working with left-wing revolutionaries, violently stops a conspiracy involving a corrupt white businessman secretly in cahoots with a Mexican drug lord who’s manipulating white vigilantes killing illegal immigrants. MACHETE is one of the worst movies ever – an ultra violent, bloody mess with extremely lewd content and a hateful, offensive, racist, Anti-American worldview.”

 I don't know what they could possibly find offensive about this.

Sounds amazing, right?! I think so. But perhaps it’s not for you. I mean, exploitation films are kind of a niche.

How about a film that is a true celebration of being alive? A film in which a man, who suffered terrible punishment and died, came back to life! That sounds like something Christians could get on board with!

Crank High Voltage

 

“CRANK HIGH VOLTAGE is a repulsive action movie about a former hitman who must find the Asian gang leader who replaced his heart with a mechanical one that needs constant electrical stimulation to keep working.”

Okay, they don’t like it, but it can’t be the worst action film they’ve ever seen?

“CRANK HIGH VOLTAGE may be the worst, most abhorrent and evil action movie ever made.”

 Ah. Moving on then…

Tell me there's nothing angelic about this scene!

Piranha 3DD

Next up is GDAC Dodgy Film Club favourite, Piranha 3DD! A tale about man struggling to find his place in the ecosystem. Initial signs are good with this review, as the MovieGuide tag line says ‘This movie really bites’. That’s right folks, that’s a pun! A real, live pun!

I’m not sure they’re thinking this reviewing craic through, because if the lines: “more than 120 obscenities and profanities; extreme bloody, gruesome violence includes piranha comes out of woman’s body and attaches to man’s private parts" makes me want to (re)watch this as a 26 year old, think of what impact it would have on teenage boys.

There’s also a very odd segue, when the reviewer talks about 'anti-smoking Nazis’. Are we SURE this isn’t a parody site? Does the reviewer really detest films with swear words and nudity because they harm children, yet he is pro-smoking? Lololol.
 
(I don't want to spoil any of this by adding gifs. Plus, I can't find any vaguely religious themed gif.)

I’m sure the list contains any number of entertaining/evil films I have yet to see. MovieGuide.org has gained a new fan, albeit for all the wrong reasons.

Dodgy Film Club: Piranha 3DD (Xtra D 4 Disapoint)

Movies where the poster is the plot!

Piranha was the original Dodgy Film Club outing and one that set the gory ball rolling over a year ago. The Club has been on hiatus for the most part but when the chance came to watch just one film it made sense to get back into the water with Piranha DD (or 3DD, whatevs).

If you liked the first film (I thought it was okay tbh, even in terms of watching it for the dodgy elements) then you will probably think this one is, well, pretty good I suppose. It has many key elements of the first including:

1. Piranhas, lots of them.
2. Water, lots of it.
3. Women/poor models/pornstars with Barbie-doll figures, lots of them.
4. A strange amount of relatively famous actors who really should know better.

So you basically take ingredient 1 and 2 and add 3, repeat. The action takes place in a water park this time and there's some vague storyline about the daughter wanting to stay true to the ideals of a real park, and the dad (stepdad?) basically flooding the place with attractive, scantily-clad ladies. But really, who gives a shit?

We're here to watch the lolgore (of which there is very little) -

But end up drowning in average (not truly lolworthy bad) acting and boobs (of which there are plenty) -

That's not to say that it's void of lolgore shenanigans! The highlights are actually pretty good and there's some solid gimmicks and wtf moments. It's just that you could enjoy these gifs/images and not have to sit through the other hour and 25 minutes or whatever it runs to. Gimmicks include -

GUNLEG - see also Planet Terror

DAVID HASSLEHOFF  -

THIS UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT -

All in all this was maybe a 6/10 at best though if sandwiched between 2 better dodgy films and a lot of alcohol it could be enjoyable with a group of depraved individuals.

Are you excited for the new BIRDEMIC film?

We asked for it, apparently.

Birdemic was in many ways a masterpiece. With creative visionary James Nguyen (you know, the James Nguyen), a strong message and a cast of hungry, young actors, it is a film that comes close to the brilliance of The Room. So, I should be excited about a sequel, right? Let us consider some pros and/or cons...

Return of Rod/Bagh is Back

That's right, Rod, the all action, all romancing hero from the first film is back! And now he's a big shot something or other. Thankfully Rod was not replaced and all the character development he went through in the first film was not put to waste. Some might say Alan Bagh is one of the finer actors of our generation. His portrayal of Rod, an odd juxtaposition of a confident yet horrifyingly awkward manchild is some of the finest work seen on screen. However, a look at his Twitter account shows that Rod and Alan may not be all that different. Plus we've had some fun lightly trolling him in this very blog.

Sticking to their guns (or coat hangers) with the CGI

Birdemic 2 seems to follow quite rigidly to the theme/plot and budget of its predecessor. So on the plus side, the awful graphics are back. But on the negative side, the awful bird graphics are back. Maybe I'm judging too quickly without seeing the finished product but I would have liked to see some ridiculous 3D, or even worse graphics. A lot of the lol in the first film is partly due to the shock at just how bad the birds look. Some amazing (or amazingly bad) graphics would have been a real kick in the beak to detractors of the film.

Where are they really going with this?

It's pretty clear that ol' James Nguyen is kinda bummed out about The Man polluting the world through machines run on eagle tears, dead baby seals and so on, but is this sequel going to address these srs issues? Is it going to pick up from the cliffhanger ending of the first? Did they really need to make a second? Will there be a thirdemic?

I don't have the answers..All I know is that I'll be seeing this at the nearest opportunity, with a case of beer and a bucket of clothes hangers.

Dodgy Film Club: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

If you don’t want to watch this film because of the title alone then it’s probably not for you. A kung fu loving Jesus (yes, that Jesus) tries to rid the world of some lesbian vampires, and fights some atheists along the way, with the help of a girl in an atrocious red outfit, and a wrestler..for some reason. (Or something.) Oh and it’s a musical of sorts also.

Some highlights include:

• A thumping euro-techno song in the background while Jesus kicks the asses of about a million atheists who look like they met at a punk/metal club the night before.
• Some great lol action in the fights such as when Jesus uses his superpowers and a leg drop!
• Some of the most hideous women that have ever been filmed, including a GIANT beast in one of the dance numbers. Shudder.
• An 80s style montage when Jesus tries on different outfits and his ladyfriend judges them.
• A talking dessert that is (possibly) God..? I think? 
• An assistant who keeps getting her (his?) ass grabbed

It’s definitely worth a watch if only for the wtf factor. There are so many unanswered questions and plot holes. Jesus was advised to get a haircut and new clothes to blend in..advised by a woman who spends the rest of the film running around in dat red outfit.

The first few fight scenes are pretty amazing but it kinda fades after that. Imagine a load of ‘alternative’ people who were drunk/high and joking about making a film about a kung fu Jesus..And now imagine that it actually got made. That’s pretty much what this is like.

Dodgy Film Club: Birdemic - Shock and Terror

Blondie is actually laughing. There's nothing funny about your acting career going down the tubes, love.

Once you experience* the rollercoaster* journey* of human emotion that is The Room it’s very hard to find a film that is not only as dodgy and lolworthy but also takes itself seriously. After much searching and several slightly dodgy films, Bridemic: Shock and Terror was chosen. I'm still recovering.

 (*I’m thinking of becoming a scriptwriter for ‘reality tv talent shows, just getting the lingo down.)

This is a masterpiece in bad cinema. It seems the brains behind it (James Nguyen) is super concerned about global warming and decided the medium of film was the best way to get the message across. The, eh, plot is that after what feels like a lifetime of awkward converstaion between the characters, they are attacked by some eagles who are pissed off about oil prices. Or something. There are literally too many mistakes and terrible things to mention but they include:

• Awful acting without any emotion/dialogue read in monotone
• Terrible cuts that have clearly been recorded at different times, resulting in changes in sound quality/background noise 
• A news report that resembles a school project.
• Actually, all the ‘science’ and explanations are lol
• Shakey camera-work that ruins any small chance of getting ‘lost’ in the ‘story’ 
• Filer! Filler! Filler! WE GET IT, THEY’RE IN A RESTARAUNT.
• ‘A date without sex is a date wated’ *thrusting motion*
• Awkward gaps and pauses during the ‘phone calls’ that don’t sync up properly
• REALLY awkward pauses at the end of scenes that haven’t been edited out
• Extennnnded clapping. Srsly, go make a sandwich once they start clapping, it goes on for ages
• An Irish bar with that Irish form of Irish musical entertainment: a black soul singer, performing (miming) to a full band track by himself

This, can I just add, is all before the atrocity that are the birds appear in the film, looking like something out of DuckHunt and sounding like a mouse orgy as interpreted by angry dolphins. An as for the ‘attacks’, they really have to be seen to be believed. The characters flail at random (using their motel hangars at weapons...) and the digitally added 2D birds flap ineffectually somewhere around the general vicinity. And all of this because the birds are angry at global warming (or something).


The smell of hippy/film student off the film can be whiffed a mile away, from the clunky suggestions that hybrid cars are great dropped into the script with as much subtley as a petrol bomb, to the embarassing background soundtrack that is clearly a reworking of Imagine by John Lennon ‘written’ by some stoner who had his mind blown when he picked up his shitty acoustic and the ‘music, like, just came to him’ one evening. There’s also a treehugger who looooves trees and eventually leaves the scene when he hears a mountain lion. LOLWAT. Oh yeah, then there’s a forest fire for some reason.

Oh, and the guns do this.

After the birds arrive there are plenty of moments to make you ask HOW DID THIS GET MADE???? including:

• CGI fireballs that look like the ones from South Park
• The kamikaze fighter pilot sound some of the birds make
• The same footage of one bird being shot being used over and over and over again 
• Unlimited bullets!
• Where were they even driving to?
• A doctor scientist ornithologist giving a lecture
• The two kids pretty much being adopted, no questions asked

I guess James Nguyen has succeeded in creating awareness, through a massive lolfail. The film is meant to be a stark warning and the catlyst to the viewer asking themselves some stern questions about their carbon footprint.
The only questions I was left with was how this got made and how did he manage to get so many hotties involved!?

Srsly, there's so much lolgore and so bad it's funny stuff going on I can't even cover it. Watch it!