The Moral Majority Movie Guide is my film bible

The Moral Majority, for the unenlightened, are a Christian, right wing, conservative group who are very concerned about family values and morals.

In their bid to rid the world of EVIL these do-gooders have created a site (www.movieguide.org) dedicated to promoting nice little films that are clean and happy and safe for kids! They also detail the sordid elements of movies and rating them, from a ‘concerned parent’ type of view.

Now, anyone who has read this blog knows my taste in films, and might be wondering what could possibly interest me here. Do I really want to see films such as The Nativity Story or The Ten Commandments? Hell no!

But not only does Movieguide rate good-intentioned, family-friendly films, it also give minus stars for the most SHOCKING, BLASHPEMOUS and IMMORAL movies! It just so happens that some of us like these despicable creations.

Machete

First off, I can't believe I haven't written about this for Dodgy Film Club, something I will rectify asap. The moral majority have listed the following adjectives in relation to the film all about the mustachioed Mexican: 

“Evil, rotten, disgusting, humanist, nihilistic, Communist”

Not only that, but it also contains “68 obscenities and 17 profanities.” This, I remind you, is all before a summary of the film itself is actually touched upon. These are merely red flags of disgust, to spark the beginnings of a righteous, moral fire. Red Flags of Awesomeness more like!

I’ve just realised that I’m assuming everyone knows what Machete is about, or at least can have a stab at the gist of it from the poster. Apologies, let me have the good people at MovieGuide.org explain: 

“MACHETE is an ultra violent, extremely lewd and bloody exploitation movie about a Mexican immigrant who, working with left-wing revolutionaries, violently stops a conspiracy involving a corrupt white businessman secretly in cahoots with a Mexican drug lord who’s manipulating white vigilantes killing illegal immigrants. MACHETE is one of the worst movies ever – an ultra violent, bloody mess with extremely lewd content and a hateful, offensive, racist, Anti-American worldview.”

 I don't know what they could possibly find offensive about this.

Sounds amazing, right?! I think so. But perhaps it’s not for you. I mean, exploitation films are kind of a niche.

How about a film that is a true celebration of being alive? A film in which a man, who suffered terrible punishment and died, came back to life! That sounds like something Christians could get on board with!

Crank High Voltage

 

“CRANK HIGH VOLTAGE is a repulsive action movie about a former hitman who must find the Asian gang leader who replaced his heart with a mechanical one that needs constant electrical stimulation to keep working.”

Okay, they don’t like it, but it can’t be the worst action film they’ve ever seen?

“CRANK HIGH VOLTAGE may be the worst, most abhorrent and evil action movie ever made.”

 Ah. Moving on then…

Tell me there's nothing angelic about this scene!

Piranha 3DD

Next up is GDAC Dodgy Film Club favourite, Piranha 3DD! A tale about man struggling to find his place in the ecosystem. Initial signs are good with this review, as the MovieGuide tag line says ‘This movie really bites’. That’s right folks, that’s a pun! A real, live pun!

I’m not sure they’re thinking this reviewing craic through, because if the lines: “more than 120 obscenities and profanities; extreme bloody, gruesome violence includes piranha comes out of woman’s body and attaches to man’s private parts" makes me want to (re)watch this as a 26 year old, think of what impact it would have on teenage boys.

There’s also a very odd segue, when the reviewer talks about 'anti-smoking Nazis’. Are we SURE this isn’t a parody site? Does the reviewer really detest films with swear words and nudity because they harm children, yet he is pro-smoking? Lololol.
 
(I don't want to spoil any of this by adding gifs. Plus, I can't find any vaguely religious themed gif.)

I’m sure the list contains any number of entertaining/evil films I have yet to see. MovieGuide.org has gained a new fan, albeit for all the wrong reasons.

Dodgy Film Club: Piranha 3DD (Xtra D 4 Disapoint)

Movies where the poster is the plot!

Piranha was the original Dodgy Film Club outing and one that set the gory ball rolling over a year ago. The Club has been on hiatus for the most part but when the chance came to watch just one film it made sense to get back into the water with Piranha DD (or 3DD, whatevs).

If you liked the first film (I thought it was okay tbh, even in terms of watching it for the dodgy elements) then you will probably think this one is, well, pretty good I suppose. It has many key elements of the first including:

1. Piranhas, lots of them.
2. Water, lots of it.
3. Women/poor models/pornstars with Barbie-doll figures, lots of them.
4. A strange amount of relatively famous actors who really should know better.

So you basically take ingredient 1 and 2 and add 3, repeat. The action takes place in a water park this time and there's some vague storyline about the daughter wanting to stay true to the ideals of a real park, and the dad (stepdad?) basically flooding the place with attractive, scantily-clad ladies. But really, who gives a shit?

We're here to watch the lolgore (of which there is very little) -

But end up drowning in average (not truly lolworthy bad) acting and boobs (of which there are plenty) -

That's not to say that it's void of lolgore shenanigans! The highlights are actually pretty good and there's some solid gimmicks and wtf moments. It's just that you could enjoy these gifs/images and not have to sit through the other hour and 25 minutes or whatever it runs to. Gimmicks include -

GUNLEG - see also Planet Terror

DAVID HASSLEHOFF  -

THIS UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT -

All in all this was maybe a 6/10 at best though if sandwiched between 2 better dodgy films and a lot of alcohol it could be enjoyable with a group of depraved individuals.

Dodgy Film Club: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

If you don’t want to watch this film because of the title alone then it’s probably not for you. A kung fu loving Jesus (yes, that Jesus) tries to rid the world of some lesbian vampires, and fights some atheists along the way, with the help of a girl in an atrocious red outfit, and a wrestler..for some reason. (Or something.) Oh and it’s a musical of sorts also.

Some highlights include:

• A thumping euro-techno song in the background while Jesus kicks the asses of about a million atheists who look like they met at a punk/metal club the night before.
• Some great lol action in the fights such as when Jesus uses his superpowers and a leg drop!
• Some of the most hideous women that have ever been filmed, including a GIANT beast in one of the dance numbers. Shudder.
• An 80s style montage when Jesus tries on different outfits and his ladyfriend judges them.
• A talking dessert that is (possibly) God..? I think? 
• An assistant who keeps getting her (his?) ass grabbed

It’s definitely worth a watch if only for the wtf factor. There are so many unanswered questions and plot holes. Jesus was advised to get a haircut and new clothes to blend in..advised by a woman who spends the rest of the film running around in dat red outfit.

The first few fight scenes are pretty amazing but it kinda fades after that. Imagine a load of ‘alternative’ people who were drunk/high and joking about making a film about a kung fu Jesus..And now imagine that it actually got made. That’s pretty much what this is like.

Dodgy Film Club: Slashers

Srsly, what's this guy going to do, poke me to death? It could leave a splinter I guess. Still though, that's a minor inconvenience at worst..

This film has an amazing setup but while it’s worth a watch for the funny elements, unfortunately didn’t quite bring the lolgore it could have. A Japanese gameshow pits contestants against 3 ‘slashers’ on  a set that looks like a badly run lasertag course, and whoever is left alive at the end of an hour wins the cash! It includes a studio audience, smiley host, cheerleaders and some lad providing LIVE creepy music.

The contestants are pretty much the usual Racially Inclusive Survival Team(tm), in this case we have:

• Well built, angry african american man
• Political fembitch
• ‘foreign’ muscle man (read: fat mexican looking dude with canadian/russian/mexican accent depending on the scene)
• Dimwited aspiring actress slash model
• The athletic all action girl (who is actually the fattest out of the 3 wimmin)
• The calculating ‘college/business guy’

 The weirdest thing about this is the camera work, or maybe the quality of the camera. It has a really strange videogame look as if the people are too close to the screen and the sets look like they were made by schoolkids. There are times when characters bang against ‘stone walls’ that sound alarmingly like cardboard. Other things to look out for include:

• Completely unnatural dialogue
• Characters saying the situation is ‘crazy’
• Interchangable accents
• The bluntest stabbing weapons of all time and a WOODEN sword
• ‘windows’ that clearly have no glass in them
• A chainsaw that is never actually running
• Lots of partial nudity (“TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF SO I CAN BANDAGE HER FACE!”)
• Blood squirting from somewhere other than the stab wound
• Awkward pauses while the show goes on an ad break that are actually pretty well done
• Convenient powercuts/camera panning when the special effects obviously weren’t available to show stabbing etc

All in all I could talk about how it provides an interesting social commentary yada yada but idk how srs it's meant to be.. I would say not to watch it in a house where you don't know your housemates that well as my friend did.. something about the japanese girls, the bad acting and one slasher being a pervert mean you might have to give explanations like 'not a porno' and 'still not a porno' everytime someone comes into the room.

Dodgy Film Club: House of the Dead

Ok to start with, this was the first film we watched after the lolfactory that was The Room, nothing was going to stack up against that. Even so, this falls on the side of bad, instead of so bad it's funny, though there were a few bits that made it fit into the amazing/dodgy category. The film is based on a computer game and to prove to the nerds who liked the game (I'm presuming) the film makers decided to splice game footage in at different points. Cool idea but the graphics are laughable and this happens way too much. The plot is simple enough, there's an island, there's a group of teenagers/twenty somethings played by twenty and thirty somethings, who are ethnically diverse, and there's a bananas amount of zombies who can run, use weapons and swim..purists should probably stay away from these all action zombies who are one script rewrite from getting a dance number.

There's not a huge amount of lolgore, we didn't care if the characters lived or not and the obvious fact that the 'matrix' effect was something the makers thought was super necessary for every character during the big fight scene, or simply that it was used as filler is only funny for so long. It does pick up some bonus points for the unexplained parts and the bloopers such as the crazy guy on the boat briefly having a hook for a hand at the start and continuity errors like a semi-clad girl running up the beach who has more clothes on a second later as she goes into the forest.


This was released in 2003 and the ending set it up for a sequel and good goth there was one released in 2009. On the list..