If you don’t want to watch this film because of the title alone then it’s probably not for you. A kung fu loving Jesus (yes, that Jesus) tries to rid the world of some lesbian vampires, and fights some atheists along the way, with the help of a girl in an atrocious red outfit, and a wrestler..for some reason. (Or something.) Oh and it’s a musical of sorts also.
Some highlights include:
A thumping euro-techno song in the background while Jesus kicks the asses of about a million atheists who look like they met at a punk/metal club the night before.
Some great lol action in the fights such as when Jesus uses his superpowers and a leg drop!
Some of the most hideous women that have ever been filmed, including a GIANT beast in one of the dance numbers. Shudder.
An 80s style montage when Jesus tries on different outfits and his ladyfriend judges them.
A talking dessert that is (possibly) God..? I think?
An assistant who keeps getting her (his?) ass grabbed
It’s definitely worth a watch if only for the wtf factor. There are so many unanswered questions and plot holes. Jesus was advised to get a haircut and new clothes to blend in..advised by a woman who spends the rest of the film running around in dat red outfit.
The first few fight scenes are pretty amazing but it kinda fades after that. Imagine a load of ‘alternative’ people who were drunk/high and joking about making a film about a kung fu Jesus..And now imagine that it actually got made. That’s pretty much what this is like.
Blondie is actually laughing. There's nothing funny about your acting career going down the tubes, love.
Once you experience* the rollercoaster* journey* of human emotion that is The Room it’s very hard to find a film that is not only as dodgy and lolworthy but also takes itself seriously. After much searching and several slightly dodgy films, Bridemic: Shock and Terror was chosen. I'm still recovering.
(*I’m thinking of becoming a scriptwriter for ‘reality tv talent shows, just getting the lingo down.)
This is a masterpiece in bad cinema. It seems the brains behind it (James Nguyen) is super concerned about global warming and decided the medium of film was the best way to get the message across. The, eh, plot is that after what feels like a lifetime of awkward converstaion between the characters, they are attacked by some eagles who are pissed off about oil prices. Or something. There are literally too many mistakes and terrible things to mention but they include:
Awful acting without any emotion/dialogue read in monotone
Terrible cuts that have clearly been recorded at different times, resulting in changes in sound quality/background noise
A news report that resembles a school project.
Actually, all the ‘science’ and explanations are lol
Shakey camera-work that ruins any small chance of getting ‘lost’ in the ‘story’
Filer! Filler! Filler! WE GET IT, THEY’RE IN A RESTARAUNT.
‘A date without sex is a date wated’ *thrusting motion*
Awkward gaps and pauses during the ‘phone calls’ that don’t sync up properly
REALLY awkward pauses at the end of scenes that haven’t been edited out
Extennnnded clapping. Srsly, go make a sandwich once they start clapping, it goes on for ages
An Irish bar with that Irish form of Irish musical entertainment: a black soul singer, performing (miming) to a full band track by himself
This, can I just add, is all before the atrocity that are the birds appear in the film, looking like something out of DuckHunt and sounding like a mouse orgy as interpreted by angry dolphins. An as for the ‘attacks’, they really have to be seen to be believed. The characters flail at random (using their motel hangars at weapons...) and the digitally added 2D birds flap ineffectually somewhere around the general vicinity. And all of this because the birds are angry at global warming (or something).
The smell of hippy/film student off the film can be whiffed a mile away, from the clunky suggestions that hybrid cars are great dropped into the script with as much subtley as a petrol bomb, to the embarassing background soundtrack that is clearly a reworking of Imagine by John Lennon ‘written’ by some stoner who had his mind blown when he picked up his shitty acoustic and the ‘music, like, just came to him’ one evening. There’s also a treehugger who looooves trees and eventually leaves the scene when he hears a mountain lion. LOLWAT. Oh yeah, then there’s a forest fire for some reason.
Oh, and the guns do this.
After the birds arrive there are plenty of moments to make you ask HOW DID THIS GET MADE???? including:
CGI fireballs that look like the ones from South Park
The kamikaze fighter pilot sound some of the birds make
The same footage of one bird being shot being used over and over and over again
Unlimited bullets!
Where were they even driving to?
A doctor scientist ornithologist giving a lecture
The two kids pretty much being adopted, no questions asked
I guess James Nguyen has succeeded in creating awareness, through a massive lolfail. The film is meant to be a stark warning and the catlyst to the viewer asking themselves some stern questions about their carbon footprint.
The only questions I was left with was how this got made and how did he manage to get so many hotties involved!?
Srsly, there's so much lolgore and so bad it's funny stuff going on I can't even cover it. Watch it!
