I live in Canada now..

Srs post! I've gone halfway across the earth and now live in Canadia Land. I'll be keeping a haphazard travel diary type thing (I know, I know, Michael Cera move) and if you're that way inclined you can read it here.

I've done a Symphony of Distraction review on skatepunkers.net

This looks better on the site, rly.

Against their better judgement, the deadly folks over at skatepunkers.net have opened up their site to the likes of myself and are looking for people to submit reviews of music featured on the site. I'm still crushing hard on Symphony of Distraction so I put together a review of their EP Pudwack and you can find it heeere.

I don't get: Black Metal

I'll try to make this intro short (for once). This is a new feature where I explore some things my friends like. Things that I really don't understand the appeal of and in some cases things that I downright dislike slightly (until eventually, somehow, I get on with my life). The only stipulation is that I have to have given 'whatever it is I don't get' a fair chance. And we start with...

BLACK METAL

Fenriz was aghast to discover a girl enjoyed his music.

I've tried, I really have. Even when a girl (yes an actual female metal fan, for reals) tried to get me into it I just couldn't convince myself that I liked it. And she wasn't even one of the oft beastly female metal fans that got into Korn and Marilyn Manson during their 'difficult teenage years'.


And in many ways I'm a perfect candidate to 'get' it;

• Grew up surrounded by forests
• Constant bleak weather up in here
• There's eff all to do here
• I like pandas
• Organised religion has (had) a stranglehold on the populace/political state
• I like a certain amount of shitty DIY recordings and men screaming
• There are times when I look at my fellow man and truly despair. But then I usually listen to pop punk.

Then there's the whole homophobia/murder/fascism/racism side of things. Sure I shouldn't tar every BM artist with the same black and white coated brush, but that Burzum chap (Varg Vikernes to the rest of the world/his fellow inmates) is held in pretty high esteem by those with the kvlt knowledge. Ah yes, and then there's the fans. Usually militant in their views and completely devoid of a sense of humour, these lumbering, socially awkward menchildren are quick to label anything that isn't harsh noise 'gay', while gobbling up music/imagery by men with long, flowing hair, who wear more make-up than your mom and are prone to semi-naked promo shots.

Let's see dad call me gay now!

So, is black metal just bad or is there something I'm not getting? I asked a friend, black metal fan, contemporary, and most importantly, a drinking partner to recommend me some black metal with the knowledge that I'd tried the entry level stuff already. He proceeded to write a blogpost (that can be found here) and I think the end product was that I should listen to this:

• I'm all for long-winded, pretentious song titles but how many times can they work 'funeral winds' into their stuff?
• It's a promising enough start but my goth the drums sound atrocious and by the time the blastbeats get going with the guitar it sounds like a stuttering engine has been accidentally added to the final mix. Though is mixing = not Black Metal?
• I see they're from Holland..nothing brings out the hatred for mankind like windmills and clogs. 
• Blastbeats: the extended car chase w/explosions of the music world.
• 'So, I was thinking you guys. I'll scream 3 or 4 words, vaguely in time, every so often...of course that's enough. Well, if it comes to it we can put a shedload of reverb and echo effects on'
• It's not actually awful in terms of drumming but I mean, I can hear those 3 beats plenty of places.
• Hey the 'winds of' party actually sounds like a chorus! And I recognise it cos it's in the title! And their band name...
• The bridge is kinda cool but did they run out of lyrics? Just scream in agony!
• This kinda thing has the potential to be fun, y'know. You can't spell funeral without 'fun'.

So..some progress I guess. This song isn't exactly terrible. But at the same time, it's not good enough for me to want to listen again and especially not good enough to make me put myself in a position where I have to interact with BM fans. 

Can't Bear This Party have new songs!

Your favourite zany European pop-punkers Can't Bear This Party have just released 4 new songs on their bandcamp and I'm happy to report the songs are as good as always, their accents are just as bad, English still isn't their first language, and they are still as much fun as ever! All of the exclamation marks!!!

Now with 27% more zap and zork!

Songs include:

JohnXmas: Almost an exaggerated pop song (with BREAKDOWNS) about drinking vodka (at least I think that's what he says) with a guy called John Christmas. Oh OH OH oh OH oh....

Raymond Gave Me The Best: The best what?? Fans won't be let down with this, has echoes of So Quarrelsome from the album. With some screamz and nice synth. And THE XYLOPHONE IS BACK <3


I'm Not Your Lolifriend: lolwat? What does that even mean?? Nice fast song to get you going. The most skatepunk song of the four, with some great sing/shout along parts.

Glen: Off the first listen this is my favourite song. All the classic elements of CBTP!: Breakdowns strewn everywhere, breakneck drumming, melodies, complimentary dual vocals, nice guitar-work. I'm happy with this!

Twitter-sized reviews: Chronicle

Chronicle: A film-length interpretation of a Korn song, with telekinesis and hand-held cameras. Pretty sweet! 8/10

y ppl no liek me??!

Pop Music I like: Train - Drive By

It's summertime (sort of) and that means it's time for a particular genre I have a soft spot for: faux-reggae pop! I think this style was biggest in the 90s/maybe early 00s (think coco jambo) and it's pretty much instant hit powder! When I first heard Drive By I was all like 'yeaaah boi, I'ma feelin dis' but then it got to the 'groovy' lyric and I recoiled in horror. But after a few more listens I was able to get over that and enjoy it for the summer jam that it is.

• lol, remember when videos had annoying intros like this?
• the lyrics are just awful but they rhyme nicely and it's summer and you're into it, you know you are
• 00.25: hooold on now,  she moved away to get away from you.. strong stalker vibe here so.
• in b4 every douchebag with an acoustic in the corner of a party plays this
• Not sure what's going on in the vidjo.. is this how old ppl meet and hangout? :/
• Oh wait, they're in cars...and it's called DRIVE BY.. 
• 1.40: Wait..waiiit..it was just one night? dude..STALKER VIBE.
• Also, do these guys know what a drive by actually is? 
• 2.36: Dat weird bridge.. Should have gone dubstep, lads.
• So it seems to have worked out for him anyway..by stalking her and telling her he's not going to shoot her then drive away..

The singer of train: Not a serial killer. srs.

Zombie Survival Food: Spaghetti PLUS Sausages

Can't you just imagine the people in Heinz examining their spaghetti-in-a-can and wondering what they could do to make it better? Then one fateful day, the missing ingredient spills out of someones brain in a true eureka moment: ADD SAUSAGES.

Is it me or does the can even look slightly sinister?

I actually tried this out not long after my first forray into the post-apocalypse aisle in the supermarket but a large dollop of burying bad experiences deep inside and a dash of apathy meant I'm only getting around to expressing my distaste now.

B-movie gore in a can.

• The spaghetti was chopped up into pieces (presumably by some sinister German) that were about an inch long so there was literally no chewing involved, which was quite unpleasant.

• The 'sausages' were literally unlike anything I've ever eaten. They could have been vegitarian space food alternative for all I know. Think of the most processed hot dog you've ever eaten and condense it into bite-sized portions (though again, not much chewing was going on).

• The sauce, somehow, is one of your 5-a-day. If it comes to it, just drink the sauce, people. 

Now with added despair!